8 Things You Absolutely Need To Keep In Mind When Meeting Her Parents

As the old saying goes, you don't get a second chance to make a first impression. And that saying goes doubly when it comes to meeting your significant other's parents for the first time. Meeting the people who created and raised the person you love is never a low-pressure situation. To help you win over your partner's folks, I asked a few dating and relationship experts (and some ladies who have seen what works first hand) to share their best tips and advice for meeting the parents for the first time. Here's what they had to say about how to dress, what to bring, topics to avoid, and how to keep your cool.

1. Don't Show Up Empty-Handed

Not only should you bring something, you should also do some homework to make sure that your gift of choice will jive with the person you're gifting it to. Nothing creates an awkward atmosphere faster than presenting a bottle of wine to your girlfriend's recovering alcoholic father. "Ask your significant other for some tips about what his or her parents are into," says Samantha Burns, licensed psychotherapist and dating coach. "For instance, if her mom is a coffee drinker, pick out a cute mug and put a Starbucks gift card inside. Or if her dad loves sports, get a related magazine subscription. It’s the thought that counts the most; just don’t show up empty-handed."

"Always bring a gift," echoes Brianna, 28. "A bottle of wine. A baked good. Flowers. A candle. Moms remember that stuff, and if her mom is happy, that means her dad will be happy. So basically you're already winning and all you did was show up with a gift."

2. Dress To Impress

In just about any scenario, it's usually better to be overdressed than underdressed. In this particular situation, that extra effort will most definitely be appreciated. "Of course you should choose an outfit that is appropriate for the setting," says Burns. "Even for in-home invites, take it up a notch and throw on a sweater and jeans, especially if your S.O.’s parents are old school. Dressing well shows that you value yourself and respect your company." Relationship expert Rhonda Milrad echoes this. "You’re not trying to impress [her parents] with your clothes, but rather impress them with your respect for them," she says. "By upping your outfit a notch, you are showing them that this meeting is important and serious to you because you care that much about your partner. It’s gratifying for parents to think that you care about making a good impression."

"Dress nicer than you think is necessary, bring a gift, and smile. The first time my now-husband met my parents, he was dressed as if we were going out on a nice date and he brought my mom an orchid. She whispered, 'Marry that man' to me. So I did." -Desiree, 35

3. Do Your Homework

The best way to avoid finding yourself in an awkward conversation with her parents where you accidentally bring up a sore spot is to do your homework in advance, and have an honest conversation with your lady about what not to bring up around her family. "Make sure you learn about potential hot buttons that could trigger conflicts," says life coach Dr. Richard Horowitz. "Political affiliations, views on social issues (gay rights, abortion, etc,). Get a feel for their sense of humor, tolerance for slang or vulgar language, other personal sensitivities (such as age). Your S.O. is the best source of information about her parents. Ask your significant other, with the explanation that you want to make the best impression to her parents."

"My older sister is really sensitive about the fact that she's still single, so I was really glad that my boyfriend asked me what topics were off the table when he met my family during Hanukkah last year. I think it's a common question to ask, but it inevitably starts a whole speech from all of my older in-laws about how my sister's time will come and all of that. If that conversation was going to get started again, I didn't want the new guy I was introducing to my family to be the one to bring it up." -Stacy, 28

4. Mind Your Manners

It's important to keep in mind that every household operates a little bit differently in terms of what's acceptable and what's considered rude. So make sure you get on the same page with your S.O. about what's copacetic before you meet everyone. "We all grow up in different households that come with varying rules, expectations and traditions," says Burns. Before meeting your partner’s parents, learn about whether things like swearing are OK, and if there are any sensitive issues or off-limit topics that you should avoid." Offering a hand will also help your cause. "Helping out around the house always goes a long way," says Burns. "Even though you’re a guest in their home and may not know where everything goes, helping out with the dishes, bringing out the recyclables, or taking their dog for a walk goes a long way."

"My grandmother is older and can't get around as well as she used to. The first time my boyfriend met my family he picked up on this, and made it a point to make sure my grandma had everything she needed right there in front of her at the table, refilling what she was drinking and serving her food. It actually became a bit of a joke, and he started pretending to be her butler toward the middle of the meal, and he started referring to him as Jeeves! It definitely scored him some major brownie points." -Cassie, 27

5. Engage In Conversation

Don't just sit there like a deer in headlights, waiting for someone at the dinner table to ask you questions. "Engage your partner’s parents in conversation," says relationship expert April Masini. "Ask them how they’re doing and what’s new in their lives. When you show interest in them as individuals, they have an opportunity to have their own relationships with you, which will make a future relationship more viable. It also shows you’re not just an appendage of your partner, you’re your own person who’s interested in them beyond being the partner’s parents."

"My parents still refer to my first boyfriend as 'the pencil.' Partially because he was tall and skinny, but also because he didn't speak to my parents for most of our relationship unless he was spoken to, which my parents took as having the personality of an inanimate object. Parents can be mean and they will absolutely judge you. My best piece of advice would be to get good at making conversation with your significant other's folks right off the bat." -Nicole, 26

6. Pay Sincere Compliments

Parents are excellent bullshit detectors. So if you're going to pay them a compliment (and you should), be sure that you're giving one that comes off as sincere — not just an empty compliment for the sake of being polite. "Pay compliments about what you observe in their home," Dr. Horowitz recommends. "Admire artwork, family pictures, their garden, or keepsakes on display. Reinforce something positive that your significant other told you was important to her parents. For example, say she told you that her parents did volunteer work at a local hospital. If that's the case, you could say, 'Your daughter told me about your volunteer work, that must be very satisfying.' But do avoid gratuitous flattery. It can sound glib and insincere."

"There's nothing that bores me more than gardening. My mom knows this and even so, every time I'm home visiting she talks for hours about the new additions to her vegetable garden, and how the tomatoes or whatever is in season are doing. I told this to my boyfriend, and when he first met my mom he complimented her garden, and from there he was in. It definitely pays off to know the sweet spot for what her mom loves to talk about. Especially if the daughter that you are dating doesn't appreciate it whatsoever." -Laura, 24

7. Keep The PDA To A Minimum

When it comes to public displays of affection in front of her parents, I actually got a few mixed reviews. While each one of the experts agreed that hanging all over your girlfriend in front of her folks is not the way to go, Burns says that some mild PDA may help your cause. "Show a small amount of PDA," she suggests. "A peck on the lips in front of the parents is sweet, but a full-on make out is tacky. Even if you’re very conservative or private, it’s nice to be affectionate in front of your partner’s parents because it shows them how much you adore their child. For example, resting your hand on their thigh at the table (no under-table nonsense), putting your arm around their shoulder on the couch, or holding their hand when taking a walk is appropriate and conveys that you’re connected and the relationship is going well."

However, other experts recommend playing it safe and going the super conservative route. "Don’t drape yourself all over your partner in front of the parents," says Masini. "It’s disrespectful. It’s also a territorial move and won’t win you fans who feel you’re making your mark and axing them out. Always save the PDA for non-parental situations. It’s a conservative move, but one that will win you fans — whereas the opposite, won’t."

As for what's worked out the best in real life?

"When he first met my parents, my (now fiancé) wasn't overly affectionate in front of my parents. But he did continue to do things like touch the small of my back when walking through a room together, or help me take off and hang up my coat when we first arrived. At the end of the night, my mother told me that she could tell he really cared about me through those small gestures. So no, I don't think that you have to not touch each other whatsoever. But if you're the type of couple who typically are always touching, maybe scale it back a bit. Also, it really depends how your parents are!" -Sophie, 29

8. Don't Criticize

This tip goes twofold. First off, you may think that it's OK to bond with your girlfriend's parents over her bad habits. But the early stages of getting to know her parents is just not the right time for this kind of conversation — even if it's in jest. "Criticizing your partner in front of her parents will most definitely create a defensive response or feeling from the parents," says Dr. Horowitz. "Parents will be protective of their child and could infer that the criticism is a sign of a lack of caring." Second, once you leave for the evening, resist the urge to criticize your girlfriend's family members to her as well — no matter how insufferable they might be. "Don't criticize your date’s family," says psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. "Rather, ask for explanations of the things you don't understand." For example, instead of talking smack about Uncle Harry's outburst at dinner, ask your S.O. if he's been going through a hard time recently.

"Never, ever be negative, especially about your relationship or their child. Not even joking or sarcastic. It's not a good look when you first meet them. Hopefully there will be about a million other chances to be funny and complain about how your girlfriend can't boil water, but right now you need to be a ray of sunshine and speak nothing but positives about their little girl." -Kay, 28